Not one of my "brightest" pieces...?

I would appreciate your comments in the assistance of the path that this piece shall follow.





Please?


Peace %26amp; Love,


Sam





"A soaked covered mattress houses one score


Feathered covered softness shelters the dread


Wondering if life can take anymore


Dreams of tall soft meadows travel in


A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls


Dark waters depth never shallow


Crimson red darkness sprinkles Opaque white veils


Death hidden within the center of the flower’s head


A land of wonderment set before your eyes


Moments of the now carried in to the future


Vails of awe, remembered dread


Childish thoughts within dreams"

Not one of my "brightest" pieces...?
I'm sure the first three lines are somehow connected in your mind with the rest of the poem, but it feels disconnected to this reader. It 's like something you just happened to see on your way to the rest. Lines 4 through 6 need to be reworked a little. I like the last 6 lines; they could actually stand alone.
Reply:Hi. With all due respect, this is the first time I've read a submission by you, but I feel like I wanna scold you,,,as a parent, or mentor?





If the initial statement of the Q was an apology,,,STOP IT,,,NOW!





I suspect anyone in the crafts, might be their own, Most harsh critic, but one shouldn't allude to "Gee is it OK, I wonder?" Consider the song by QUEEN,,,"We Are The Champions".





With even more respect, a child wetting a bed, hiding it, and dreading possible consequenses is impactful, certainly, and most epecially when it's hidden. ASSUMING that's the anaolgy??? Did I OOPS??





I'm a relative "newbie" to this category, but not the craft. I enjoy metaphor and anaology, and TOTALLY understand the dreams of a child. I still recall my worst, from 60 years ago.





I also try hard to decline RATING anyones work, as I feel it's so similar to trying to convert someones political, or religious beliefs to my own...OR even convince you that RED is better than GREEN.





The insistance of other anaologies, IE: Blood, might mean I'm way off base? If so, forgive my interpretation of events and "baggage"





Steven Wolf
Reply:...from what I made of it, it's very good.





(I also like how you had a rhyme, then let go of it)
Reply:Oh, well, I only want to read your brightest pieces!





I am joking...





There are good images in the first lines, but it is slightly "disconnected" (although I like this line: "A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls", because it uses concrete imagery). "Wondering if life can take any more" is somewhat abstract for me. But the line I really like is: "Moments of the now carried into the future". Probably because I like "moments of the now"....


vails: veils or wails? Changes everything.



flower