Read and please tell me how this story is?if you have any opinions or advice please write it down?

A winter night love story








The night outside Tara’s house was cold and silent. There was a thin strip of moon that was hidden among the few stars in the sky. It was not a pleasant atmosphere with its chilling air and dark sky. Inside the house the darkness prevailed disturbed by a few candles and the fireplace accompanied by the silence which was broken now and then by the crackling in the fireplace.





Tara was happy. All these years she had waited for someone to come along to spend her life with and it was the night that the dream was going to come true. It was not that she was not beautiful infact she was breathtakingly beautiful with her slender figure, fuller lips, bright and wide clear blue eyes and beautiful golden curls falling carelessly down her neck to the hips. But it was that no one loved her for what she was other than her wealth and beauty. But a month before she had found the right one and today he was going to come home.





She took the candle from the big oak table and started upstairs to her room. It was beautiful with artistic wooden works all over the wall and scented candles adorned the room. Her wardrobe stood with a grace that was carved out of teak and gold. She skimmed through her evening gowns and found one that she liked .It was a violet silk that was adorned with beautiful embroidery and pearls. She slipped it on and got ready for her big night. She was in a fantasy world where there were only two people herself and her Fiancé Adrian. Her lips curled into a smile and she slipped into a sleep full of dreams wishing that she would never lose him as long as she was alive…





It was the loud knock on the door that woke her up. She rushed to the mirror, gussied up and ran forward to attend the door for she knew whom it was! Adrian stood at the door. She went to him. He took her into his arms and kissed her lightly on the lips. She blushed and pulled back. She was surprised by the coldness of his lips. Taking the candle, she showed him the way into the house. Adrian took his seat besides the fireplace and admired her silently. She looked beautiful. The gown flowed around her beautiful body. The golden hair was pulled back and some soft curls fell on either side framing her face. He walked unto her and hugged her presenting her with a tender kiss on the lips. She loved to be kissed by him but the chill of his lips was too much for her. She asked him to take a seat and was about to ask for his coat when she noticed that he was not wearing one. In spite of the cold weather, he was wearing a thin shirt. She saw that it was stained with blood. She asked him what had happened. He told her that he had a small accident and it was fine. She smiled and went to get some tea and sent her maid to get some fruits.





They sat besides the fire talking and laughing. She knew he was the one. She kissed him and he returned it. She did not mind the chill. His hands moved up her gown. He caressed her face and kissed her and she collapsed with love hopelessly into his arms.





Her maid was calling her frantically downstairs. She could see the irritation in her lover’s eyes but decided to check her. She slipped her gown on pulled her hair back and went downstairs.





“What” She barked at Maria her maid and eyed Joseph her driver standing next to her.


“We were on our way to the market when we saw master Adrian’s car turned over to the side of the road. And we went there to check the car and….” She trailed off





Oh my God! His body must be aching. Quick get some hot water.” She rushed to her bedroom but she saw nobody there. To the left of her bed on the table stood a bouquet of red flowers and there was a small box. She took the box .It was smeared with blood. Inside was a ring with a diamond. There was a scrawling on the wooden desk.





“I love you. I could not leave you without saying Goodbye. Goodbye my lady”





“We checked the car and he was dead in the backseat along with his driver.”


She could see the diamond shining just like the tear running down the cheek…

Read and please tell me how this story is?if you have any opinions or advice please write it down?
Hiya,





It's a nice concept, and you write very descriptively. just one point to make here - is your comma button (,) broken on your keyboard? If it is, that's fine, but if it's not, you seriously need to employ it. The comma should fall wherever you want a pause, and when you write so descriptively, you require a lot of them. I enquire about the button on your keyboard as you have not used it once. This is why one person who raed your story did nbot persist. Without commas it is very difficult to deduce the meaning of the sentence. If you nee any help with that feel free to message me and I'll out them in for you.





If your keyboard is just faulty I'm sure you will correct this later, and the story reads well.





A very nice piece marred only by the lck of punctuation.





Congrats!
Reply:Boring!
Reply:it gave me chills
Reply:I have to tell you. I knew he was dead when you mentioned the cold lips several times. BUT I was glued to the the story right to the end. And I also have to say I don't really care for mysteries. So for me to read it to the end says something good.
Reply:it was great!!! I love story's that get real interesting and yours did! but I see no need to correct any of it cause it's great!!! thanks and god bless!
Reply:Scarey.....Is this a homework assignment?
Reply:I think the basis of the story is well done but it needs to flow a little more, I found myself having to go back to the first Paragraph and seeing if I missed something it sort of took off without forewarning.





I am a little lost as to the era of the story, you say she had candlelight (blackout?) The Coldness of his lips could of been put with the cold touch of his lips tinged with blue, his lips cold with the chill of the night,





It was like I said written well, but a little rushed, congradulations on a great story.
Reply:nice
Reply:Vey nice, but you can try to be more careful the grammatical mistakes. "It was not that she was not beautiful in fact. She was breathtakingly beautiful ...","eyes but decided to check her" This phrase can be more specific. Also, it doesn't look right to use the work bark so suddenly. Try to use words with a lighter meaning, such as "asked annoyingly". Goodbye should not be used in the with a capital letter G, considering the place your putting that word. Another thing, why would a driver take a maid to the market? I don't think the rich go to a market do the groceries, and a driver is not needed for these matters. Well, there are quite a few more mistakes, but I love your story idea.
Reply:I didnt get past the second paragraph. Very boring and some of the sentences in there needed alot of help. Could be alot better. Nothing to grab you in the beginning and sentences were run-on/not put together well.
Reply:That's cool! - like the storyline a lot, although you do need to work on the construction of your sentences. Read them out to yourself and think about the reader while doing it.





For example: "There was a thin strip of moon that was hidden among the few stars in the sky. It was not a pleasant atmosphere with its chilling air and dark sky."





Could become:





"A thin strip of moon lay hidden among the stars in the dark" sky. The atmosphere was unpleasantly chilling..."





I dunno - I think that one more crafting should fix everything.
Reply:I can't appreciate ur story in words. They are beyond the expression of words. What i can say is u made me cry. Wonderful , excellent. Are u a writer?
Reply:tht was really nice and original...i guess u could jus modify the sentences...otherwise i ave only two words-simply awesome
Reply:I think it's a good effort and you have created a twist to the story which always makes a story that bit more interesting. my only reservation is it's predictable, you know that the man is dead before you get to the end..this type of story requires a lot of mystery so that you are compelled to keep reading..
Reply:It's beautiful I could almost see the characters in the story and hear them speak.Your a wonderful writer.



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