10 pts. I think my poem is good, but critique it?

Night Lily





Moonlight slips through


beaconing softly to her,


Sitting in this bedroom


gleams an elegant flower.





Stunningly a lily blooms,


But no gardens to see,


Though breathing perfume


Slowly exhilarating me.





Her silk petals confess,


An emotion taking hold,


This feeling I'll attest


It's the love she bestows.





Walls masking her gasps,


Until lovingly she smiles,


Time disappearing fast


as we lay here awhile.





Her light shines on me


shining until tomorrow,


There she'll always be


With that smile I know.

10 pts. I think my poem is good, but critique it?
kinda cheesy. but im not in love so what do i know
Reply:Good but needs a bit of tweaking here and there...





Her silk petals confess


an emotion taking hold,


this feeling I'll attest


It's the love she will unfold.





and the last four lines do not work...


tomorrow does flow well with know ... the cadence is off.





Her light shines on me


shining until tomorrow


There she'll always be


loving without sorrow.





or


Her light shines on me


Shining I feel her glow


There she'll always be


with that smile I know...





I hope I didn't hurt your feelings or tick you off. But I have worked in the school system for 13 years and writing is one of the things that I teach.
Reply:it is so lovely.


keep writing and posting them so i can read them ok :D





i don't think theres anything wrong with the last paragraph, because it makes it seem sweet instead of fancyfull and fake and it's not full of long and complicated words but simple.


it's really nice.
Reply:That's amazing. Could you go and give me pointers on my sonnet? Since you are really good at this stuff obviously. Its the topic about what you think about my sonnet. Thank you. And keep writing. Thats awesome
Reply:It's pretty. I would make the last line something like with that smile I know no sorrow to keep in the rhyming scheme of things. You've done well.
Reply:100% perfect! I bet the teacher would give you an A++!



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