Any thoughts on this poem?

Aberdeen





William Dyce left the soil of youth in 1825,


re-potted himself in Italy to paint Al Frescoes


somewhere they could breathe. He was nineteen.





Understandable,


the squat, black granite walls


that missed the Rennaissance ink out the sun with jealousy,


pale wind grows obscene flowers on the roadsides,


herds vagrants in the parks; it's no home


for an Artist.





Neither was Rome.





He returned to salty, indigo shores


met himself on the beach at Pegwell Bay,


all torn and sculpted with the rock,


nourished in the swell, finally breathing.





I think of him fondly now, encouraged,


opened up with the broken stars in rainy granite,


with damp streetlights for company


and everything sloping down toward the sea.

Any thoughts on this poem?
I am totally won over. Can we vote out Andrew Motion?





I love the carrying over of images, soil.......re-potted.


I like the (excuse it this is the wrong expression) internal rhyming - breathe - nineteen.


...I don't understand 'obscene' flowers - I want the word


'obsidian' - don't ask why, it just popped into my head (maybe my brain was carrying over the image of the black granite)


- love - indigo shores (is it 'met' because most people use 'found'? I hope that is 'yes'.


As you can see, I have read your poem thoughtfully.
Reply:Love the presentation and feel of this work. Really speaks.





One suggestion: the lines "the squat, black granite walls


that missed the Rennaissance ink out the sun with jealousy," skip or miss a beat--perhaps some punctuation or a line-break after Rennaissance--not sure. Something there just not quite right.





This is an exceptional work however, take my tiny comment or burn it at your discretion.
Reply:My thoughts are that it is a fine poem, one which required some work and much thought. It also has a very close-in feel, the poet reaveals a fond connection with the artist, an artist that has seen Europe and returned to the shores of England to be able to breathe free again.
Reply:Oh, Russell...this is very good. The homies will love it...



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