Friday, March 12, 2010

How can I make this better? Thanks?

The sky was still, there were no clouds or stars, nor the sun or moon. It was gray and flat, and like a ceiling, there was no hint of anything beyond it. Adam stood in the center of a garden. It was square, unnatural, and its four sides were bordered by walls of dark wood. The garden was filled with wilting plants and flowers, they were scattered along the ground, almost lifeless, like victims of some plague or war. A few feet from Adam stood a solitary tree; it seemed that all the garden's former beauty was contained within it. He placed his hand on the heart of the tree; it was warm and inviting. Almost as soon as he touched it a drop, as if a tear, came from the bark. It took on a life of its own, it glided along the trunk to one of the branches and made its way to the furthest tip. For a moment it looked like it was going to fall but instead it became a sparkling fruit. Adam had never seen anything like it; it was red and covered in dew. He didn't know what it was, but felt that, to eat it was to know it.

How can I make this better? Thanks?
Go through it and everywhere you have used a form of the verb "to be" try to replace it was an active verb that describes the action . For example "wilting plants and flowers filled the garden" rather than " the garden was filled with...
Reply:after there was no hint of everything beyong it you could say....he felt like he was the only one in the world,lonly,confused.andd after the last line you could say ....he remembered it, from some sort of dream,he licked the top of his lip almost remebering the sweet taste and soft texture.





itss reeely goood anyway hats off to you it was reely amazing wow youve got the talent to write .unbelievable. fantastic job:]]]


i hoped i helpedd:]



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