10 pts. I share my poem, you share your thoughts?

Night Lily








Moonlight slips through


beaconing softly to her,


Sitting in this bedroom


gleams an elegant flower.





Stunningly a lily blooms,


But no gardens to see,


Though breathing perfume


Slowly exhilarating me.





Her silk petals confess,


An emotion taking hold,


This feeling I'll attest


It's the love she bestows.





Walls masking her gasps,


Until lovingly she smiles,


Time disappearing fast


as we lay here awhile.





Her light shines on me


shining until tomorrow,


There she'll always be


With that smile I know.

10 pts. I share my poem, you share your thoughts?
100% good♥♥♥
Reply:I guessing this is talking about making love. Not the most creative poem about this topic I've read, but it's not bad. I'd say work on the ending stanza, as it isn't as strong as the rest of the poem. Also, as you continue to progress as a writer, try to encorporate words with more depth and meaning. This seems like someone who is writing about love making, not someone who has experienced it. Something to work on. Other than that, it's definitely a good start. Keep it up!
Reply:Moonlight slips through the shear of night


beaconing softly to her,





Sitting in this bedroom


gleams a stunningly elegant flower





a lily has bloomed,


with no other gardens to see, the arouma of Lilly tickles my nose,


As i'm breathing in the sweat perfume Slowly


exhilarating me.





Her silk petals confess,


An emotion taking hold,


This feeling I'll attest


It's the love she bestows.





Walls masking her gasps,


Until lovingly she smiles,


Time disappearing fast


as we lay here awhile.





Her light shines on me


shining until tomorrow,


There she'll always be


With that smile I know
Reply:This is fine. Don't let them get you about the punctuation. Sometimes you just have to put it where you want the reader to pause, and not necessarily where it should be grammatically. Anyways...it's really good. Sounds like something I'd write where there's more than one meaning and you have to think about which one you might be talking about. Keep writing. I'm sure some girl will love it!
Reply:love everything except....


"walls masking her gasps, until lovingly she smiles"


i sounds weird to me. lyk it doesn't fit.


and.. "shining until tomorrow" i don't understand that.


she's only beautiful until tomorrow?


besides that it sounds lovely.
Reply:all verse, no choruses, no defined outro, no defined intro and there should be punctuation in a poem like this, only punctuation in words like could've, no peroids etc.





the endings arent the same, doesnt flow that well, more of a story than a poem.





1/5 stars
Reply:I love it.


It was a great way to use all your writing tools.


They way you used personification for the girl made her seem so soft and delicate.


And it leaves you with a smile showing your love for this girl.


The metaphors were also amazing.





A+ in book. Hope you post more.
Reply:Hello are you a gardener or is it about a bunch of flowers in the moon light and you dream of this girl who you love from afar but only get close in your dreams as you want to tell her how you feel but never do because she only lives in your dream ok
Reply:the 1st paragraph was a bit confusing at first, but once i started to get through it, it made more sense. The only thing I didnt like was the last stanza, 2nd line. It says shining until tomorrow, why only until tomorrow?
Reply:It's absolutely beautiful, one of the best I've read here.


By the way, and please don't get mad, was "beaconing" meant to be "beckoning"? Just wondering.
Reply:Aw,that was a very touching poem.Fantastic word choice and vivid vocabulary.I really liked the whole theme of it,it put a smile on my face :) So I say


Thank you!





xoxo,♥blondie♥
Reply:i like the middle of it but you should work on your beginning and end. something that would connect the beginning to the end would make it much better. just my opinion
Reply:its really amazing. i loved it 100%. its like that reminiscent beauty feel. your literary devices are also phenomenal.
Reply:hmmmmm the ending kinda sucked....





you dont seem to be talking about something consistently.... at least not on the same thought...
Reply:very interasting was it wrote for someone inparticular very nice play on words and feelings hope you give it to your special one
Reply:Awesome!!!!!!!! A+!!!!!!!
Reply:I love it. But it's missing that BANG. That thing that leaves you shivering by the time you get to "know".
Reply:Its nice.
Reply:Great Poem!
Reply:All I know is if I catch you in my flower garden at night, I'm calling the cops!





j/k
Reply:I REALLY LOVED IT!! its makes me feel so good....when i first read it, my day became so beautiful!!!! You r so good!!!



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