I wrote this story, It's rather long but I promise youll like it?

Fallen Angel. Chapter one. In search of Identity.





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"My eyes opened and I realized I was resting on a soft bed. I was covered with a soft baby blue blanket. The birds chirpedrhythmically, and the sunlight reflectedfrom the window adjacent from the bed was hurting my eyes. I squinted as I looked upon it, but it really didn't helprelieve the pain at all. The pain felt as if I was looking directly at a flashlight. I could easily tell the time of day was morning. I sat up on the bed and looked around the bedroom, the walls were painted pink, the drawers and bookshelves standing opposite of the window were just as blue as the blanket that I hadjust pulled off. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here, but I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.


I got out of bed and there was a somewhat loud clanking sound coming from the polished wooden floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant bonded with small silver chains. I bent over and picked up the locket. It was two and a half inches long, and it gleamed and shimmered like precious diamonds in the sunlight behind me. I turned the heart shaped locket and saw a small clasp. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a purple dress robe. Next to her on the right was a little girl, wearing similar clothing except she wore pink instead of purple. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and although the child seemed so cute, she also seemed very familiar. There was a mirror adjacent to the door in front of me. I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I realized that I had black hair just like the two people in the photo, wearing a white T-Shirt and white shorts, I also saw in the mirror that I had no shoes on. Then I looked at the little girl in the picture again. That little girl’s face and hair are somewhat similar to mine. On the left side of the locket I saw a something printed on the silver metal. The upper left corner of the heart locket was a name that was printed “Fallen angel” and in the middle there was date carved into the locket saying





20 December 1995





The date on the locket caught my attention. I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why is it so significant? I also wondered who the young woman is in the photo, and if the little girl next to her is really me. The door in front of me knocked unexpectedly. I just watched and glared at it, then seconds later the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectanglular glasses were completely crooked, it looks as if it was about to fall off her face. Her face was completely dirty, and her crimson hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks perhaps months. Her emerald eyes came into contact with mine, and said to me in a somewhat squeaky voice.





“Hello, you’re awake”





I continued to glare at her, and remind silent.





“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling lightly “My name is Solana Frostly.”





Unfortunately I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to stare at her.





“Um, you don’t talk much do you?” said Solana, timidly. “My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest out cold so we took you in our home and we kept you warm and placed you in her room. Um….. Are you feeling okay?”





I nodded lightly, and whispered.





“Yes”





“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way”





“T-Tw-Twelve” I answered a little unsure of myself.





“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana, “Aiyana is just about you age- Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I’m not sure if there is any breakfast left, I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”





Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor, where I was sitting, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.





“Hey, over here! We saved you some breakfast”





I turned to where the voice is coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a large plate with a layer of pancakes on a white ceramic plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. I gagged at the odor of burnt food. The sink next to me were piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. Solana was near an oven holding a silver metal spatula, jumping and shrieking hysterically trying to put out the flames that bloomed from the stove just a second ago. I sat at the table where the girl sat. I glared at her for a moment. The girl looked back at me and smiled.





“Oh hello,” She said quickly, “Don’t mind my Mom, she’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults.Other than that she’s a great cook. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”





Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.





I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.


“What’s your name” She asked.





My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. All I could do now is give Aiyana a light shrug. Aiyana frowned.





“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana finally finished extinguishing the flames on the stove, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents. And turn on the computer on your way back here, and look up something on missing children”





Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,





“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”





Solana handed me a silver metal fork, with four prongs and the flower design carved on the brown wooden handle. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down and stared at it.





“Hmm,” said Solana. “It seems that you have never tasted pancakes before. Just cut a piece off and eat it.





I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she isn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I found Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I want to do is offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork that was previously placed on the table, Cut off a piece of the pancake and placed it into my open mouth. My bottom jaw made contact with my upper one, while moving in a clockwise position. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.





In each chapter there will be a new reply. So i need your opinion on this story.

I wrote this story, It's rather long but I promise youll like it?
Don't you dare take out anything descriptive. That's what makes it a good story is the imagery. It is the mark of a great author.
Reply:I do like your story. Make sure that even though you are writing it on here and we are not publishers that you check your penmanship and punctuation.


It is a wonderful story.
Reply:i lyk it...
Reply:It's okay, but it could be better. You need to remember that less is more. Don't into too much detail, like how many prongs were on the fork, just try to stick to the details that are important and interesting. You need to be consistant with your language - you're mixing very complicated language with very simple language. Looking for the longest word with a certain meaning doesn't make your writing better.
Reply:it's great, good detail.





but try not to use too much detail like when your chewing. and also try not to reuse adjectives such as adjacent (it's a good word, but only use it once)





other then that it's excellent, i always had a story similar to that in my mind but never got around to writing it.
Reply:I like it, you overuse words alot though. You should reread it out loud and you'll see that some things don't sound right. I love your use of detail. Except for the flashlight thing. You should cut that out. It just doesn't sound right. The chewing thing though, everyone says the chewing thing is bad, it is. I suggest you replace it with some confusion from the girl like i tasted the pancake in my mouth it tasted sugary etc. then it wouldn't leave. it just stayed there. etc. not excactly those words but something like that would sound good. ok good luck. It'll be great novel i'm sure!!!!
Reply:Excellent story! I really enjoyed reading it. But maby there are a few English mistakes on what words to put in your story and to have proper grammar. But still, I really liked it, I couldn't write a good story. To improve some things, you could take English class, they teach alot about those things.





Anyway, still good, keep it up! :)
Reply:its good!!!!!


why is it in the singles and dating catagory though??
Reply:The statement seemed far too deep for the Tony that Ken knew.


Tony had always been the first to draw money from the business,


even if it put their future in jeopardy. Refusal by Ken


always resulted in Tony emphasising it was his contacts that had


made the business possible. But perhaps he was being harsh;


Tony could have gained knowledge from Jensange. Putting


these thoughts out of his mind, Ken left early and went out to


find a book on dreams at the local library. After browsing


through different publications that dealt with dreams, Ken collected


three books and headed for home.


As usual Carole met him at the door. Ken excitedly showed


her his find and while Carol prepared their meal he skimmed


through the books making notes. “Working with dreams” was


the first book he studied. The other two mostly confirmed what


he had already read, although they expanded on certain points


and added other ideas, which he noted. During and after their


meal, they discussed the contents of the books and Ken read


from his notes. “There were people’s theories on dreams by the


Romans of the second century A.D., Artemidorus of Ephesus


and until Freud.” “Dreams have played a significant role


throughout history in attempting to link the spirit, mind and


body to the reality of existence. Some cultures both ancient and


contemporary, believe that the spirit can leave the body, during


the sleeping state and travel to other places. Sometimes across


time and space. Taoist Chuang-Tzu around 350 B.C. reflected


on that too. For the Taoist all things are relative. One day there


will come a great awakening, when we shall realise that life itself


was a great dream.” “I can’t accept that my life is a dream.” Said


Carol. “When we had the same dream, did it seem real”? “Well,


yes I suppose so.” “O.K.” Ken continued to read his notes.


“Our dream state is part of our life and our living experience,


the reality of our dreams is part of our existence and adds to our


Keith Shearing 16


development. There is a relationship between our sleeping and


waking reality, although this scientifically remains to be


defined. We naturally sense that there is some unity between


these two realities; we are the same person awake or asleep.


Although we experience ourselves and the world about us differently


in each state.”


Carol looked closely at Ken. “Is this why we experienced


ourselves differently and so didn’t recognise each other in the


dream? Although we sort of did, I think.” “Well it could be as


we seemed familiar to each other. It was natural that we were


together. I suppose it’s as likely as any other possibility.” “Also


we are supposed to learn and develop during our waking and


sleeping existences.” “Well that seems to be the idea” replied


Ken. Then he continued: “The brain is divided into hemispheres.


The dominant hemisphere, usually the left, controls


our actions logically within the restraints of social waking life.


It has been hypothesised that in dreaming, the non dominant


hemisphere, usually the right takes over and our intuitive, imaginative


and creative faculties are realised.” “So” Carol paused


putting her thoughts together, “we are two different personalities,


living life at the same time. Where we would not just make


love, in front of people in the open during our waking state but


when our subconscious takes over, well anything goes.” “I


suppose so. The same person but with different behaviour


patterns.” “So would this also mean that people that do outrageous


things in their waking state are being controlled by the


subconscious part of their brain?” Ken laughed. “I can’t answer


that. I got books on dreams not psychiatry, I should think that


some people for various reasons are just less inhibited.” Ken


continued. “Some lucid dreamers (people that are aware they


are dreaming and can control their actions while in this state)


are able to use the dream as a stepping off point for an out of


body experience. They can release their spirit from their physical


body and view themselves sleeping below.” “I believe we


17 Wheel of Eternity


have a spirit or something immortal inside us, but I’m not sure


about this out of body idea ” commented Carol. “Well,


Buddhist monks are supposed to achieve that state.” “Perhaps


but we’re not Buddhist monks.” “Are you forgetting the dream


which is what started this?” remarked Ken. “O.K. sorry.”


“Those adept at this believe they can travel considerable distances


from their body, sometimes back or forward through


time. However proving the out of body experience, has still to


be convincingly demonstrated under laboratory conditions.”


Ken chuckled. “This bit sounds good. Sexual participation is a


prominent part of dream experience because of the important


role that sex plays in our lives. Inhibitions that exist in the waking


life do not apply in a dream state; neither do the normal


conventions and social restraints that restrict the sexual behaviour.


Being naked in public is accepted as a personal statement:


this is me accept me for what I am. Although this activity is


unusual in a waking life it is common in a dream state. Sex is


the only significant bodily need, for which actual rather than


imaginary gratification can and does occur while dreaming,


sometimes results in a sexual climax.” Carol sighed. “We’ve been


there already.” “O.K. All of the authors stated there was no scientific


proof that two people had ever shared the same dream.


However when discussing a dream a second person could relate


to the dreamer’s experience and under certain circumstances,


sympathetically assimilate the dream as their own.” Carol was


annoyed. “That was not us, we both had the same dream.” “Yes


I know.”


The book went on to quote case histories, also to give practical


advise in translating the meaning of dreams. Ken and Carol


looked at each other. Holding her hand he said “whatever the


books say, we had the same dream.”
Reply:its horrible. to many adjectives and to much detail... we all know how to chew... go back and take out about half of the descriptive phrases.. and then try resubmitting it.



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