I revised this "WIP" and gave to it a name. Any advice and suggestions?

"Haunted Dreams





A soaked covered mattress houses one score,


feathered covered softness shelters the dread.


Wondering if life can take anymore,


dreams of tall soft meadows travel in.


A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls,


dark waters depths not ever shallow.


Crimson red darkness sprinkles Opaque white veils,


death hidden within the center of a flower’s head.


A land of wonderment set before your eyes,


moments of then carried into the future.


Vail’s of awe, and remembered dread... "





Note: This is a work in creation. Would appreciate your advice from title to end.


Thank you.


Sam

I revised this "WIP" and gave to it a name. Any advice and suggestions?
Hello Sam.





I am intrigued by the comma at the end of line 3. What not full stop? And why don't you start a new sentence with "Dreams of tall..."?


You could use a space after lines 1-2. And before the last line. Just to make them more effective.


And what do you mean in the last line? "veils" or "wails"? It is not clear.


I remember reading another version of this. I really like the first two lines, because of the concreteness of images.
Reply:Sorry, this leaves my mind a blank, your thoughts do not transfer to my feelings, with the opening two lines, yet the rest


is feeling.
Reply:A soaked covered mattress houses one score,


feathered covered softness shelters the dread.


Wondering if life can take anymore,


dreams of tall soft meadows travel in.


A disconnected gaze upon shadow walls,


dark waters depths not ever shallow.


Crimson red darkness sprinkles Opaque white veils,


death hidden within the center of a flower’s head.


A land of wonderment set before your eyes,


moments of then carried into the future.


Vail’s of awe, and remembered dread... "





to dim the truth of my fathomless sorrow,


my regret at unknown youth.....



Soles